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May 08, 2006

What a Wonderful Maker

Yeah yeah... I know I'm just ripping off song titles for my blog entries - sue me! ;P

I guess that's what I love about the performing arts (or even photography) - it allows me to express myself in ways that my fumbling words can not. Too bad I suck at it, haha.

Hmm... I think I've posted more the past 3 days than I have the previous 3 months! I suppose this is a good indicator that I'm still processing many things (and why my thoughts are all over the place).

I wish I could print out the images in my head: such as little Joshy staring at me with such a lost, forlorn expression in his tear-filled eyes this past Sunday. Somehow... I knew that he wasn't quite sure what was going on, but just really affected by the sadness around him. He didn't cry out loud or anything, but the way he looked into my eyes broke my heart. I don't have the gift of discernment, but I wouldn't be surprised if God's blessed Josh with the gift of compassion as well.

A random memory came up today. At our last core meeting with Wayne, he said something along the lines of how spiritual mature we were (and thus, the need to encourage the rest of the fellowship into a deeper relationship with God)... it struck me, because I never imagined I would hear those words used to describe me.

I had always felt inadequate and unworthy... in my mind, I saw myself as the sinner who constantly turned his back on God to pursue my own ways. I looked up to "spiritual giants" like Wayne, and some of the other brothers... never believing I was at the "same level" as them. Even during this year's WCC, I wrestled with God in prayer - "God, surely you're not calling me to serve: I'm not worthy of your grace... I am a sinner, and even now I'm still filled with so many fears, temptations, and doubts!"

Which is why I felt so incredibly blessed (even that word doesn't do it justice) when Pastor Lo came up to me in the middle of my prayer - out of the blue! - to lay hands on me and pray over me... some of his words:

"...Son... I don't know if this is for you, but the Lord's telling me to say that 'you are worthy. If you ever felt that you were unworthy, that was the enemy trying to deceive you.'..."

Wow... it doesn't get much clearer or specific than that! >_<;

Thank you Lord for your neverending love and grace!

Posted by stevelee at May 8, 2006 01:11 PM

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