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May 31, 2006

Fanime 2006

Another year, another Fanime. ^_^

As always, the only reason I attend is to hang out with friends I don't get a chance to see as much anymore... so it definitely was cool connecting with that crew! I didn't get much of a chance to check out much of the con except for the evening events (and my pictures reflect this) because I was so busy working registration... but nevertheless, it was refreshing hanging out in a non-church/fellowship environment. AND not have to worry about any other responsibilities for once! ^_^

I also got the chance to play with my monopod a lot more during the Musicfest and Masquerade! I definitely feel more comfortable with it now, and think it's much more practical than using a tripod for things like this (i.e., where your subjects are not standing in the same place). The monopod seems to give me roughly another stop or so of light with my 70-200mm L IS. Even so, I realize that for indoor sports (like martial arts or even Trish's backflips) I really need to use something faster than f2.8. I already have the 50mm f/1.8 and 85mm f/1.8... maybe when I have money to waste (LOL!), I can get myself a fast L prime with a longer focal length! ^__^

Anyway, I put up 2 sets of pictures: general pictures from the convention (first image/link at the top left) and the few cosplay pics I have (second image/link to the middle right). Oh, and who needs a camcorder or camera with video capabilities when your camera has a high burst/fps?? ^_~

Here's a random animated gif of Trish (who happens to have a full gymnastics scholarship at the University of Nebraska! O_o) entertaining us during a rare slow moment in registration!

Posted by stevelee at 04:13 AM | Comments (4)

May 24, 2006

Late night rambling...

...in other words, the same old drivel. ;P

First of all, I added a new picture to my "favorites" gallery. I just love motion and emotion in pictures - whether it be waves crashing against land, a captured emotion, people engaged in some activity, or even a picture that gives a feel of "motion!" =)

I suppose I have always been a daydreamer - I remember spending most of my childhood and adolescence buried in books, especially ones that allowed me to escape to a fantastical world where I was the hero, had super powers, etc. =) In many respects, I'm still the same way... I keep my eyes focused on a glorious goal while being blessed by experiencing new things and touching the lives of others...

The big difference is that - by God's grace - I'm no longer the hero, but the servant... and I'm totally happy/satisfied with that. =)
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What else have I been up to? I've seriously resumed running Lake Merced (helps that there's still light out by the time I get off work! =))... man, I'm sooooo out of shape! It's all good though... I'm determined to get back to my old mark of going around the entire lake in ~30-35 mins!

I spent the other night with Wayne and little Joshie... I suppose it was another mentoring session of sorts: getting a good taste of fatherhood. It's definitely very draining (more emotionally than physically)... and that was only 1 night!!! Ugh. On a lighter note: I've never seen anyone as excited about bath time as Josh! Hahahahaha.... :P
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We had a little dinner tonight with some recent college grads; definitely praise God for the time to just chill and connect! =) I was really exhausted though, so had to keep myself moving/busy to keep from collapsing, hehe.

I was really excited about the opportunity to cook for others though! I made an herb and cheese stuffed roasted chicken, and molten chocolate cake (filled with Valrhona chocolate)! I was pretty bummed that I undercooked the cake by a minute or 2 - the bottom didn't solidify yet. =( But people seemed to enjoy it (I garnished with mint leaf, raspberry, and French Vanilla ice cream for color and balance). =) The thing is super decadent though - I was really full halfway through!
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*sigh* OK, enough procrastination... back to work. Yeah... it's 1am. =(

Posted by stevelee at 12:57 AM | Comments (2)

May 20, 2006

Evolution of Dance

Now for something completely different... you gotta check out this video on the Evolution of Dance!

OMG, BEST. VIDEO. EVAR!!! (Well, best video I've seen recently... ;P) This video totally had me cracking up... I think mostly because I did almost all these dance moves at one point or another ...I could totally see myself up on stage making a fool of myself like that too ...the guy was hilarious and shook it like it ain't no thang! Hahaha... =P *grin*

...now, excuse me while I bust out the electric slide. ;D

Posted by stevelee at 10:54 AM | Comments (0)

Coming Full Circle...

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." - Psalm 16:11

During my reflection and quiet time this morning, my longtime insecurities suddenly returned - dissatisfaction with my physical appearance, lack of any distinctive gifts or characteristics, etc. These insecurities had paralyzed me during my childhood and adolescence and really affected my self-esteem.

Perhaps what triggered these long-forgotten insecurities was when a sister (jokingly) called me names the previous night... the same names which made me want to cringe and hide during my younger years: "shorty," "baldy," "chubby," etc. I genuinely laughed with her and at myself at the time, which really made me marvel at how far God had taken me since those dark years.

Confronting these words made me realize how they no longer had a stronghold in my life; they may describe a part of who I am, but do not define who I am.

I lifted all these thoughts to God and praised Him for the healing He brought to my life... I praised Him for placing family and other loved ones in my life whom love/care for me for who I am. Not because I am tall, dark, handsome, smart, rich, or anything like that... but for who I am. As I write these words, I find that I can't convey the depth of wonder, amazement, humility, and thankfulness in my heart... nor how much joy and freedom I find in expressing this! How much greater and unconditional is God's love towards me? Towards all of us?

Father God, you constantly humble and amaze me with the depth of your grace and love. Abba Father, thank you for calling me your own and revealing who I am: I am yours. I pray that my identity forever remain fully rooted in you, Lord! =)

Posted by stevelee at 12:05 AM | Comments (0)

May 13, 2006

Relationships...

I went to visit my ma ma (my dad's mom) for a pre-Mother's Day potluck lunch with my dad's side of the family... for perhaps the first time in a long time, I enjoyed spending time with that side of the family. Granted, a large part of that was based on playing with my cute little cousins...haha. =P

But seriously... I realize how a lot of my previous discomfort and ambivalence towards that side (not all, mind you) stemmed from my own negative feelings that I kept bottled up... how instead of reaching out towards them and trying to build relationships, I selfishly just kept myself aloof, not really desiring to make the effort.

Forgive me Lord for my pride and lack of love...

An uncle asked me about my love life... and I swear at that moment, a mini-hush fell over the room as nearby uncles and aunts listened in for my response. Sheesh, nosy people! ;P

I responded: "Nope, I'm not seeing anyone... God will provide that special someone in His time, I'm not worried."

Aunt: "You're still a pretty young guy, but you should start looking more seriously!"

Me: *laughs* "The last thing I want to do is rush into a relationship with someone for the wrong reason; I want to be in a relationship with someone who's actually right for me, and I for her... someone who shares the same passions and convictions." *smiles*

Uncle: "You know though... the older you get, your options become limited by 2 factors: your looks, and/or your money!"

Me: (I calmly look him in the eye and reply with a smile) "That's exactly the type of woman I don't want to be in a relationship with."

Uncle: "Come on now; you have to be realistic..."

(We then engage in a small discussion on societal upbringing and pressures)

Me: "There's more to life than money and looks... the person that I'm with will understand that."

I'm touched by everyone's concern though... everyone seems to have a friend they want to introduce to me, haha. =)
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I've given up video games... at least until after this short-term trip. I have to admit: of all my vices, this has been one of the hardest... I have to catch myself from instinctually turning on my game (Heroes of Might and Magic, baby! Gotta love them strategy/rpg games!) after a long day at work. Or when I'm bored on weekends. =/ *sigh*

It gives me much-needed time to catch up on reading that I have to do though, which is cool. =) I'm starting to chill more at Kaleo Cafe, this cute little Hawaiian-themed cafe that Manus introduced me to... I just wish the place had later hours; what kind of self-respecting cafe closes before 11pm?!?! >_< Hehe...

Note to self: the pineapple mocha is surprisingly refreshing!
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P.S. I have that sinking feeling in my stomach about the Sharks... that I do about the A's in the playoffs. =(

Posted by stevelee at 07:18 PM | Comments (5)

May 12, 2006

I Surrender...

I wanted to write a well-thought out, cohesive entry that tied together catharsis, surrender, and secular versus spiritual perspectives. But since I'm soooooooooooooooooooooo exhausted, you'll have to settle for more stream-of-consciousness rambling from me. =)

This was my 6th consecutive 60-80+ hour work week, and man, I'm exhausted. =) But God is good, and sustained me throughout this entire time - I was physically and emotionally drained, but still felt full of His grace. =) I think this experience has really pointed out the importance of surrendering to His will, and clinging to God for strength and wisdom rather than depending on myself. Very important lessons as I prepare for another short-term missions trip... and perhaps long-term service in the future.

Today was particularly stressful and draining for a variety of reasons, including the pressure of trying to meet an important project deadline while still carrying out responsibilities as tech lead by answering questions, resolving problems of other developers and business people, among others. As people and emails continued to come to my desk for help with some new emergency, I felt myself growing more frustrated as I thought: "Gahhhhh, leave me alone! I have my own problems to worry about!"

But, in one wonderful blessed moment, I felt completely encouraged and blessed when a co-worker asked me abou t a book on my shelf: "Making Jesus Lord" by Loren Cunningham. I got the chance to share some of my testimony and the gospel, which she totally took to heart! That was awesome!!!

Thank you Lord for allowing this unworthy servant to serve you, and for giving me the words to share with and encourage my co-worker! =D
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I arrived early for pre-fellowship prayer tonight and saw Enrique and some of the ACG guys hanging in the MAC... one thing led to another and we suddenly found ourselves in the middle of a big "noodle war!" Basically, there are these long, nerf-like noodle things that are like perfect for throwing around... and we spent the next 10-20 mins trying to hit each other!

Hahahaha... boys will be boys, right? ;) But, I think it was a much-needed, cathartic experience for me... to simply laugh out loud without worrying about anything else. Other than getting smacked in the face from the side! ;P

Posted by stevelee at 11:28 PM | Comments (0)

May 08, 2006

What a Wonderful Maker

Yeah yeah... I know I'm just ripping off song titles for my blog entries - sue me! ;P

I guess that's what I love about the performing arts (or even photography) - it allows me to express myself in ways that my fumbling words can not. Too bad I suck at it, haha.

Hmm... I think I've posted more the past 3 days than I have the previous 3 months! I suppose this is a good indicator that I'm still processing many things (and why my thoughts are all over the place).

I wish I could print out the images in my head: such as little Joshy staring at me with such a lost, forlorn expression in his tear-filled eyes this past Sunday. Somehow... I knew that he wasn't quite sure what was going on, but just really affected by the sadness around him. He didn't cry out loud or anything, but the way he looked into my eyes broke my heart. I don't have the gift of discernment, but I wouldn't be surprised if God's blessed Josh with the gift of compassion as well.

A random memory came up today. At our last core meeting with Wayne, he said something along the lines of how spiritual mature we were (and thus, the need to encourage the rest of the fellowship into a deeper relationship with God)... it struck me, because I never imagined I would hear those words used to describe me.

I had always felt inadequate and unworthy... in my mind, I saw myself as the sinner who constantly turned his back on God to pursue my own ways. I looked up to "spiritual giants" like Wayne, and some of the other brothers... never believing I was at the "same level" as them. Even during this year's WCC, I wrestled with God in prayer - "God, surely you're not calling me to serve: I'm not worthy of your grace... I am a sinner, and even now I'm still filled with so many fears, temptations, and doubts!"

Which is why I felt so incredibly blessed (even that word doesn't do it justice) when Pastor Lo came up to me in the middle of my prayer - out of the blue! - to lay hands on me and pray over me... some of his words:

"...Son... I don't know if this is for you, but the Lord's telling me to say that 'you are worthy. If you ever felt that you were unworthy, that was the enemy trying to deceive you.'..."

Wow... it doesn't get much clearer or specific than that! >_<;

Thank you Lord for your neverending love and grace!

Posted by stevelee at 01:11 PM | Comments (0)

May 07, 2006

Seasons of Change

The changes in life remind us of how God is the only constant - our rock and source of strength, love, and wisdom. =)

So as I alluded to earlier, our English congregation's pastor announced his resignation today at service. Even though I had known for a few days already, I still wasn't emotionally prepared for the reality - or finality (is that a word?) - of the announcement: that he was stepping out in faith and following the convictions that God's placed in his heart to serve in the field overseas.

Deep down, I praise the Lord for Wayne's faithfulness and obedience in serving God, and feel completely encouraged to step out in faith myself - surrendering my work, my family, my life in obedience to the convictions God has placed in my own heart.

I couldn't help reacting selfishly and crying: Wayne was more than my pastor: he was my spiritual mentor, big brother, friend. By God's grace, Wayne was the pesron most responsible for helping me along the path of healing from all the years of past hurt, and for developing my faith.

Hehe... you know, I actually did a great job holding my emotions in check until Justin tried to share personal words of appreciation for Wayne on stage and got choked up... after that, the dam broke and the tears started flowing. =)

The worst thing about crying is how tired you feel afterwards...

Posted by stevelee at 08:13 PM | Comments (5)

May 06, 2006

Who am I?

It's interesting to look back at the journey God's taken me through these years. Even though I have been Christian (in name, at least) for many years, I would characterize my life as one marked by searching for something to fill a void.

I went through a period of time where I became a loner and seriously depressed - I had severe self-esteem issues and wished I had never been born. I tried committing suicide a few times, but ultimately didn't have the guts to go all the way. God sent angels in the form of two people who became my best friends - Debbie and Tempe. When I was ready to give up all hope and sink further into a cycle of darkness and despair, they never stopped believing, loving, and encouraging me. ...Much like how my mom did when I was younger and hated myself (I know... this statement seems kinda random, but it's hard to consolidate 30 years worth of life into a few sentences ;)).

I can see now how their love and encouragement shaped who I am today; more precisely, how God has given me these experiences to draw out gifts of compassion and exhortation to encourage others who struggle. How much greater is the grace and love of God in that He never stops loving or believing in us, no matter how much we sin or stray from following Him?

Thank you Abba Father for your perfect, never-ending love which you pour upon us!

(Continue reading for more late night rambling =))

While in college and for years thereafter, I participated in all the superficial Christian activities - semi-regular attendance of church, fellowship, etc. But I still felt a void in my life that I tried filling through other means: reckless partying and sinful lifestyle, adrenaline rushes... you name it, I've probably done it.

I think a tiny part of me realized how empty all these things were... but by that point, I was too consumed by guilt to "face God." I didn't think a sinner like me deserved to be in His churches, let alone talk to him in prayer!

But much like the ubiquitious poem "Footsteps In The Sand," God showed that He had never abandoned or turned His back on me - like I did to Him. I praise God for my buddy John (and Tammie!) who invited me to this new church they were attending: San Francisco Chinese Alliance Church.

Seemingly from the first Sunday I stepped foot in that sanctuary, I felt that God was ministering to me directly through Pastor Wayne's message... which continued week after week. I eventually connected with Pastor Wayne (who became my spiritual mentor) and went through difficult - but much needed - healing.

These last 2-3 years have been a whirlwind season of change - healing, humility, growth, and conviction. But through it all, I see God's hand in shaping and leading my life. Through Pastor Wayne and other people that God placed in my life, a lifetime's worth of layers of pain, hurt, and deception were (are) slowly stripped away. Just as I thought that no more tears would come, another stronghold was revealed that I had to surrender to God.

At last year's World Christian Conference, after confronting my inner demons and receiving healing, I committed myself to serving the Lord once my financial debt was erased. As that day continues drawing near, I sense more momentum in my life... all these doors are suddenly opening, and perhaps not surprisingly, the sheer amount and intensity of temptations have increased as well. For example, my profile at work has suddenly become more public and desired... and recruiters are calling with these very lucrative job opportunities...

I know during this coming season, I need to guard my heart and cling to God more desperately as I prepare for that next stage/journey of life. I know that I need to stop rationalizing things, and step out in faith in response to a seemingly clear calling. I praise God for blessing and revealing things to me in such specific ways... more than a sinner like me deserves. But that shows how loving and full of grace He is. Amen!

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Posted by stevelee at 04:42 AM | Comments (0)

May 05, 2006

These are a few of my favorite things...

Whew... major project finally is finished and released last night around 11pm! Praise the Lord!

Just in time to enjoy the weekend and get some rest before a major round of updates rolls around in a week... haha. *sigh*

Our pastor just shared some news last night during our fellowship core meeting... which he'll share with the rest of the congregation on Sunday. But wow... our church definitely is going through a season of change... and even for myself, God has opened some specific doors that I have been praying about, so I look forward to seeing where God takes me from here on out. Perhaps I'll also be living overseas... =)

I know, I know... lots of vague hints here; once things are more concrete, I'll elaborate then. In the meantime, I plan to teach myself korean, mandarin, and how to play the guitar. =)

Oh yeah, I added a new gallery of my favorite pictures - either because of the emotion captured, memories, or technical considerations. Enjoy!

Update: I got tickets to the Sharks playoff game on Monday!!! Sweeeeeet!!!

Posted by stevelee at 02:10 PM | Comments (0)