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August 14, 2004

Closure and New Beginnings

After my ex and I broke up, a small part of me had always wanted to contact her to bring closure to our relationship. For those who knew the story, we didn't part on the most amicable of terms... and I've wanted to let her know that I held no ill will and to wish her the best.

But years passed, and in my mind, it became silly -- maybe selfish? -- to contact her, especially about this. Maybe part of me was afraid of digging up emotional skeletons best left behind?

One weekend out of the blue, someone rang the doorbell... and it turned out to be her. She was moving her stuff out (how fitting, eh?) to prepare for med school down south. We returned some items to each other -- anniversary gifts, promise rings, etc. -- but most importantly, I was able to look her in the eyes and express my sincere congratulations and best wishes to her... and to her bf standing beside her.

The best part about the whole thing was how I felt nothing other than joy and peace -- no pride-inspired feelings or selfish things like that. Praise God. =)

In many ways, our relationship was unique (well, I suppose all relationships are...), such as her being the only ex I've ever talked to after breaking up... and now, I can completely close that chapter of my life. =)

Other than that, life has been great. =) I'm feeling happy and thankful for everything... for one, I enjoy my job; it doesn't pay much, but I love the environment -- everyone there is young, smart and very cool! Plus, I've never seen so many good-looking CS people in the same place, at the same time!! Hahaha... I think just the fact that I'm getting paid again, and doing something more productive with my life, adds a great deal to my self-esteem.

As an aside, I discovered today that some of my co-workers/managers were involved with Cameron House and that we know mutual friends! Very cool.. but also kinda shows what a small city San Francisco really is. =) Sometimes, I contemplate moving elsewhere (somewhere warmer, really... lol), but I know how hard it'll be to leave the familiarity of "home" behind: the friends, church and memories...

I'm also thankful for the church retreat/family camp I went to this past weekend. I needed the time away from the city to just focus on God and fellowship with my brothers and sisters. I just wish I had more time... I feel like God's blessed me with so much recently, and preparing my heart for... something else. I just notice all these positive changes within me and the people around me -- my family and I are... well, really starting to feel like a family again... And I'm actually willing to play volleyball and basketball! That hasn't happened since elementary school! Haha.

In short, I've really been trying to place God first in my life, and feeling blessed for it. It's amazing how much more positive my attitude's become since that... I'm also humbled by the friendships I've made, and the impact I apparently have made in others' lives... when I first arrived at camp, I heard some little voices yelling out something. I looked over to find a bunch of the kids waving at me, yelling: "Hi, tea guy!"

Hahaha... that warmed my heart... I love "my" kids. (For any new readers: I help prepare the coffee/tea/snacks for church in between service and Sunday school =)) Remember me mentioning a while back about some high school girls I've decided to take as my little sises (unbeknownst to them, haha)? And how I expressed hesitation about butting my head in, uninvited? Well, that also changed... at camp, when I saw one of my girls get picked on, I took her aside privately to chat... just to make sure everything was OK and stuff. =)

I'm sure you're all thinking: "Steve, will you shut up already and post more pics?!" Don't worry, I'm still working on them! Hehe. Gotta prepare for some FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFTS, baby!!!!

(Wow, this entry started going all over the place, huh? Me being tired and scatterbrained as always! =/)

Posted by stevelee at 02:22 AM | Comments (8)

August 03, 2004

Mid-Summer Reflections

I've been feeling mostly peaceful and calm these days. I feel happy too, and smiling most of the time... ever since that last argument with my mom, I've been trying to appreciate her and everyone/everything else in my life.

I wish I could say I feel "true" joy -- the happiness and carefree-ness that comes from appreciating and trusting in Him, but I know I'm not quite there yet. I guess it's just something that will come in time, as I continue maturing spiritually.

On a positive note, I continue trying to "keep it real" in my life. Just being truthful and sincere, with no pretension (pretentiousness? fronting?) or false pride... for the most part. Yeah, definitely still a work in progress. ^^; But you know what? It feels damn good... and freeing. For example, when I went into interviews in the past, I would almost always tense up because I tried too hard to impress my interviewers. But for my most recent interviews, when I made a mistake or had to explain some weakness in my application, I smiled it off and explaind the situation. Without the usual feelings of shame or self-defensiveness. I wanted to present my interviewers with a look at the "real me," so they would know what kind of person they would be working with... it would be up to them to accept me or not.

It also helped to try viewing things from their perspective: do we want to work with someone who's tense, quiet and self-defensive or someone who's friendly, sincere and easy-going? On the fellowship front, seems that ever since that romantic relationships workshop at fellowship, people have been more open with each other... while no one else has outright said "Yeah, I gotta cut back on surfing for internet pr0n or having unprotected s-e-x" (yet?) there's definitely a greater sense of honesty and accountability. Within the same gender groups of course, but nevertheless, I think a huge step in the right direction.

I still suffer from occasional bouts of shyness, but I'm warming up faster now! Hehe. It's an active act of mentally kicking myself in the ass and keeping the above lessons in mind. =) ...I think I just suck in group situations, which is why I'm all too eager to engage someone in one-on-one conversation.
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Oh btw, I'm working again. =D

Best thing about the place is how many cool people work there... and the fact that we're literally across the street from Pacbell Park -- I can go to all the A's games! Haha. ;P

In light of my temper and confrontations with my mom, I found this blurb from this past Sunday's program particularly meaningful -- definitely God talking to me: =)

When someone throws an inflammatory or critical comment our way, it's tempting to take the bait and get into an argument or internally bristle at what he or she said. A better way to handle the situation is to bypass the bait and "READ."

Remain calm
Number one rule.

Echo and inquire
You may choose to offer a quick question or reflection to check your perception.

Agree
The quickest way to neutralize a critic is to agree with him/her. Agree with the part of the criticism that is valid. Or agree with the critic's right to an opinion. You don't need to agree with the entire assessment, just find a part that you can agree with. At the very least, you can agree that they have the right to think the way they do.

Disclosure
If appropriate, follow up your argument with a quick statement in which you disclose your opinion or intent.

This technique is particularly helpful when you are dealing with people with a grumpy disposition who make inflammatory, opinionated, off-the-cuff comments and have no particular issue to resolve.

Example
Emily's mother drops over for coffee unannounced. She walks in and comments: "Your house is always messy." Instead of taking the bait, Emily READs: "I agree my kitchen is messy right now. (Agree) I am planning on cleaning it after supper." (Disclose)

Posted by stevelee at 01:44 AM | Comments (3)