Predictably, the ugly aftermath ensued... with my mom yelling at me, and myself yelling back in defense. In the back of my mind, I knew I overreacted and behaved badly... but I could not -- would not -- back down. As an aside, the fact that I realized my wrong during that moment (which made me refrain from really letting loose and saying mean things.. as I would have in the past) shows me that I have come some way from my volatile past... but still have such a long way to go...

After some cooling down time, I realized how much of a big jerk I acted like... and went to my mom and gave her a sincere apology. I admitted that my pride was probably my biggest stumbling block... I know I can't take criticism well, and I struggle with that a lot... I really want to change that ugly side of me. My mom listened, and we had a long conversation... and this time, I truly listened and accepted everything she said.

One of the first steps in dealing with any problem is truly admitting that the problem exists... only then can brokenness and then healing take place. I pray for help in dealing with my pride, but I don't think it was until today that I understood the magnitude of my problem. And how bad I felt about it, upon realization. During the course of our conversation, my mom brought up my cousin... how he already got promoted twice and how her co-workers would come up and say "Oh wow, he's your nephew? Such a nice, smart guy!"

My mom pointed out that he has an easy-going attitude, able to accept what people say with a smile and openness. I can't accept that I may be wrong (until after the fact... which is too late in the real world), and live in fear of failure... until I truly overcome these stumbling blocks, I'll never be able to just relax and be humble/easy-going.

During fellowship tonight, we had 3 married couples from the church come in to speak about romantic relationships. Lots of interesting points made and brought up but in relation to this post, I really felt God really speaking to me through the worship song selections and the signs of humility in the words and testimonies shared that night.

Humility comes from being able to admit before God and peers my sins and short-comings... and having a sincere desire to repent. From this comes the acceptance -- and owning-up -- of my imperfections. When one of the guest speakers (married, and applying for a pastoral position) admitted to having pre-marital sex in front of us, I wanted to cheer for him! One, because I think our fellowship really needed that injection of reality (as he said, we're all in our mid to late 20s, and most of us in that room probably have had sex already... or are at least adult enough to discuss this stuff), and two, because I thought he demonstrated true grace. He sinned in the past, is imperfect, but sincerely repented of that sin, and had the balls to share that testimony with us. He really inspired me to keep it real. I tried to do that when I first started going to this church, but kinda lost sight of that... falling into the trap of acting like the "proper Christian" with an unblemished past. Or feeling like the outcast... I need to step it up and act like become a man of strong conviction and character. But I don't want that based on false pride like in the past (my college days), I want that based on my truly forgiving and accepting myself...

Geeze, I'm starting to ramble all over the place again, aren't I? Haha.. well, let me close by addressing my fear of failure, with regards to relationships and other things. If I want something badly enough or whole-heartedly, I will continue trying again and again until I finally do it right. As a silly example, take bowling... I may suck at it, but I enjoy it so much that no matter how many times I gutter, I'll get back up and continue practicing and trying to improve. And that's really the way I should be living my life... enjoying it whole-heartedly with a sincere desire to improve, instead of hiding behind a fear of failure and how others perceive me. The only relationship I need to "worry" about is the one between God and myself.

...Which brings me to the subject of God's grace and the acceptance of forgiveness... but that's a whole other topic. =)