May 22, 2004
The sound of silence
The nice thing about riding Joe Muni is that you have plenty of time to yourself. I used that downtime -- probably the most I've had in a while -- to just think. Lately, I feel so full of anger, frustration and resentment... and notice bubbles of these feelings starting to seep out more. I'm afraid that I'm about to lose my temper and blow up soon, given the right fuse.
I know that I'm overreacting to the most minor of circumstances, and barely maintaining civility. For example, last night the whole fellowship was invited to one of the sister's house for post-fellowship snacks. When I saw the sister/host, I said "hi" and reached out to give her a hug, thinking that we were cool. (No, there's nothing to read between the lines.. for you fellow overthinkers/analyzers. =)) But she stopped me cold with an outstretched palm, and instead patted my forearm.
I understand and respect people's desire for personal space and comfort zones, but at that moment, I took that as hard as a slap to the face. Later on, she came by to try apologizing and explaining... which I half listened before immediately telling her not to worry about it, that it was cool and I understood. It seemed that she kept on wanting to apologize/explain, and I kept on telling her not to worry about it. On one hand, I truly meant that she had nothing to be sorry about -- she was busy playing hostess, and that it really was no big deal. But another part of me, still stung from the rejection, just didn't want to hear it.
She wanted to keep things distant and polite between us, and I merely reciprocated.
In a sense, that's how I've been feeling of late... resentment that "every time" I try to be nice or something -- particularly towards women, I get slapped in the face for it. And it's really starting to piss me off. I'm starting to feel those old feelings from previous fellowships starting to surface: that I have to talk or act a certain way, and not "be myself."
I'm seriously tempted to send out an email to the fellowship mailing list, stating: "I'm not trying to hit on any of you! Now, can you please all get over yourselves (and stop taking things so seriously)?!" Of course, it's probably me that needs to get over himself... and to stop taking things so personally. I think I need to spend more time sorting my feelings and putting all that up before God.
At the same time though, these recent experiences have really made me appreciate the friends -- both women and men, in fellowship and outside -- that I truly connect with, and can express myself the way I best know how. So, hope some of you guys don't mind me calling soon to rant and rave! ;P
Regarding communication, I seem to be having lots of trouble verbally expressing myself in a coherent fashion (lately??). LOL. Hopefully, this is just an effect of severe sleep deprivation and stress, and not an indication that I'm becoming stupid and/or senile! =x
I wonder what it would be like as a mute? I already feel like I express myself better non-verbally. Besides eyes and body language, there's also music and photography...
Blah, less rambling, more studying! Good luck with finals all of you people in school! =)
Posted by stevelee at May 22, 2004 02:06 PM
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