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May 23, 2004

I, Dork

...you know you are super cheesy a child of the 80s/90s when you can sit in a cafe and listen to songs like Last Christmas and The Last Goodbye repeatedly, even head-bobbing to the stuff! Haha.

I took extra care to make sure I didn't accidentally pull out my headphones though, and reveal my guilty pleasure to the entire cafe! I'm (almost) embarrassed by the sheer amount of cheesy love ballads hardcore gangsta rap *ahem* I have on my computer. ;P

With the blessings of one of the sexiest (and luckiest!) men alive, here's some of the pictures I took at the wedding (aka, the ones I didn't screw up too badly)!

I'm in a much better mood now. (Gina, I swear I'm bipolar too! =D) I'm officially a member of my church, woohoo!!! =D Besides the alliance cafe/welcome ministry, I think God's calling me to serve in the teaching ministry. I've always wanted to try teaching little kids, and when some other members of the ministry learned of my interest, they said things like, "Oh, I think you'll be a wonderful teacher! The kids will love you!"

*blush* I don't know about that, but I do feel the conviction that I can help make a difference in young people's lives. Plus, I'm naturally goofy young at heart so I'm prayerfully looking forward to it! I'm not spiritually ready to become a full teacher yet, so I indicated that I would prefer to be a teacher's assistant instead.
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Tangent: it's weird how I feel no shame or reservations about acting all goofy when I'm playing with kids (or people I'm totally comfortable with)... yet in most other settings, I become so self-conscious? Kinda like the whole Last Christmas/cheesy 80s thing above... towards the end (of the 234234th repeat), I started thinking, "So what if people find out what I'm listening to?" Hell, at that moment, I might have even sung along out loud!

Interestingly, I clearly remember my emotional state at that time: completely content and at peace. And not worried about my limitations. "Did I sing out of tune? Oh well, let me sing louder!"

Now, if only I could keep that confidence/emotional state static! =)
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The worship director also asked me if I wanted to lead the drama ministry. I really was flattered that she would trust me with that responsibility, but I knew I wasn't ready at that time. Plus, I didn't want to spread myself too thin. I did affirm my desire to serve in that ministry though.

Which reminds me, I need to get a hold of the video from the Christmas drama I played in! =)

Posted by stevelee at 10:47 PM | Comments (3)

May 22, 2004

The sound of silence

The nice thing about riding Joe Muni is that you have plenty of time to yourself. I used that downtime -- probably the most I've had in a while -- to just think. Lately, I feel so full of anger, frustration and resentment... and notice bubbles of these feelings starting to seep out more. I'm afraid that I'm about to lose my temper and blow up soon, given the right fuse.

I know that I'm overreacting to the most minor of circumstances, and barely maintaining civility. For example, last night the whole fellowship was invited to one of the sister's house for post-fellowship snacks. When I saw the sister/host, I said "hi" and reached out to give her a hug, thinking that we were cool. (No, there's nothing to read between the lines.. for you fellow overthinkers/analyzers. =)) But she stopped me cold with an outstretched palm, and instead patted my forearm.

I understand and respect people's desire for personal space and comfort zones, but at that moment, I took that as hard as a slap to the face. Later on, she came by to try apologizing and explaining... which I half listened before immediately telling her not to worry about it, that it was cool and I understood. It seemed that she kept on wanting to apologize/explain, and I kept on telling her not to worry about it. On one hand, I truly meant that she had nothing to be sorry about -- she was busy playing hostess, and that it really was no big deal. But another part of me, still stung from the rejection, just didn't want to hear it.

She wanted to keep things distant and polite between us, and I merely reciprocated.

In a sense, that's how I've been feeling of late... resentment that "every time" I try to be nice or something -- particularly towards women, I get slapped in the face for it. And it's really starting to piss me off. I'm starting to feel those old feelings from previous fellowships starting to surface: that I have to talk or act a certain way, and not "be myself."

I'm seriously tempted to send out an email to the fellowship mailing list, stating: "I'm not trying to hit on any of you! Now, can you please all get over yourselves (and stop taking things so seriously)?!" Of course, it's probably me that needs to get over himself... and to stop taking things so personally. I think I need to spend more time sorting my feelings and putting all that up before God.

At the same time though, these recent experiences have really made me appreciate the friends -- both women and men, in fellowship and outside -- that I truly connect with, and can express myself the way I best know how. So, hope some of you guys don't mind me calling soon to rant and rave! ;P

Regarding communication, I seem to be having lots of trouble verbally expressing myself in a coherent fashion (lately??). LOL. Hopefully, this is just an effect of severe sleep deprivation and stress, and not an indication that I'm becoming stupid and/or senile! =x

I wonder what it would be like as a mute? I already feel like I express myself better non-verbally. Besides eyes and body language, there's also music and photography...

Blah, less rambling, more studying! Good luck with finals all of you people in school! =)

Posted by stevelee at 02:06 PM | Comments (0)

May 21, 2004

Wowza!

From 6togo (have I mentioned how cool and kickass she is yet?? ;P), the Asian Miss Universe contestants! Hubba-hubba! ;P

If you enjoy conspiracy theories:
The (possible) Nick Berg beheading scandal!

Posted by stevelee at 03:58 AM | Comments (5)

May 19, 2004

Almost there!

Turned in what hopefully is my last school programming project for a long, long time! Just 3 more exams before I'm home free! Woohoo!

Unless, of course, I flunk my database systems class... man, I really hate this class! Easily the hardest and least interesting (to me) CS class I've taken, ever. It also doesn't help that I've gone through so much crap this semester. *sigh*

Oh, I will become an official member of my church this Sunday! I'm not sure what's going to happen, but it does mean a lot to me... and I'm excited!

In other news, Fanime Con is around the corner! I'll be part of Will's registration staff once again. =)

...Now, all I need is a real job. *sigh*
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Man, what an absolutely CRAPPY year of sports! All the teams I've rooted for (Sharks, Kings, Niners) lost... now, just need the A's to choke in the playoffs again to complete the cycle! =/

Posted by stevelee at 01:00 PM | Comments (2)

May 17, 2004

Brush your shoulder off

I drove down to SD this past weekend for my high school buddy's wedding. It was a beautiful, yet fun, event! My mind is preoccupied (read: stressed) about another impending project, so here are some random thoughts:

- I'm not sure if you read this, but first and foremost, Brian, you are one sexy beast!!! Hahaha. Congratulations again to you and Gigi... I know you guys will have a lifetime of laughter, happiness and love together. =)

- Really thought a lot about friendships and their meaning to me. Once again, I'm awed/thankful for the friends that I have... I'm not charismatic, I'm not particularly smart, I suck at keeping in touch... yet God's blessed me with some strong, genuine friendships. Take the groom for example... before last year, I really hadn't spoken with him since high school... yet, there we were, reconnected and having a great time together. I guess the "high school bball crew" really will be boys for life... =)

- I still have a chip on my shoulder, and I'm upset at myself for it. While driving around the gaslamp district, I noticed tensions running high in the car -- a bad combination of too much testosterone and alcohol -- so I tried calming everyone down. Yet, when we returned to the hotel room, it was me who lost his temper. Someone (I know you read this, so sorry again man =/) was joking around, and I didn't recognize it as such... (Part of?) My problem is I have too many years of an inferiority complex that I'm slowly unlearning. When I perceive that people are messing or picking on me, my automatic reaction is to respond with anger: "No one messes with me and gets away with it." *sigh*

- I loved how relaxed and fun the wedding turned out to be! That's how I would want my wedding to be like too: outdoors in a beautiful, paradise setting... and everyone enjoying themselves, including the wedding party! No stuffy, boring wedding! =)

- For the first time in my life, I finally know whom I would like be honored to have as my groomsmen (if I ever get married). In the past, I always closer to my female friends... and really didn't have any close guy friends. I used to joke about me picking the bridesmaids while my future wife could pick my groomsmen. =P

- One of my favorite moments: when a bunch of us chilled in Tijuana, just scarfing down lots of cheap (but yummy!) tacos and cervezas!

- Another one of my favorite moments: when a bigger bunch of us (including the bride and groom!) chilled at The Field (an Irish bar in the gaslamp district), drinking and BSing the night away... with the guys being... typical... guys. Myself not excepted, unfortunately. ^^; Haha.

- Maybe I really do have some Korean blood in me... for not having touched alcohol or spicy foods in a LONG time, I was downing that stuff like nothing. Hehe. =P

- I don't plan on driving to San Diego (or further) again for a long, long time... the drive wasn't too bad, but the thought of losing so many hours on the road makes me queasy. What's sad was driving from LA to San Diego (around 3pm) took almost as long as driving down from SF to LA! Given the right traffic, we easily could have made the trip in 7-8 hours.

- Gil, you and Willy are pimps. I bow in awe of your smoothness and game!

- Best advice I've heard in a long time: approach every girl you meet as if she has a bf/husband already. In addition to treating her like a queen/princess, which is a given of course! =D

- I've been in a very introspective mood lately. I feel a little lost and unsure about my identity. This is probably the main reason why I feel so shy and hesitant about leaving my comfort zone these days. Plus, I'm constantly stressed and thinking about school, career and finances...

- I'm a little more comfortable with using my camera, but still too slow at adjusting parameters on the fly. Need to re-read the manual so I don't make more rookie mistakes like blowing shots because of a too bright background, etc. Upset because a lot of otherwise great shots came out blurry because I focused on the wrong subject, or shutter speed was a tad too slow. Grrr!!

Posted by stevelee at 05:22 PM | Comments (8)

May 12, 2004

You want pictures?

Here's your pictures! =P

With the exception of 1 handful of shots, I'm pretty disappointed with how most of the shots came out. *sigh* Ahh well, hopefully that changes with more experience.

As always, standard disclaimer:
I have more pictures that I didn't put up; ask me if I have any more shots of X. If you would like the original/fullsize image (without the annoying watermark stamp), just leave me a comment or email (with your own email address) and I'll respond as soon as possible. =)

Man, working with RAW images is cool and all... but it takes forever to process them!
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Some random shots...

Posted by stevelee at 10:48 PM | Comments (4)

May 08, 2004

Tadaima~

Japanese for, basically, "I'm back!"

It's been emotionally rough of late... but life goes on. Hope everyone had a Happy Mother's Day! =)
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The Mu Zeta and Gamma Beta banquets both were fun, in their different ways. =) Great job to both chapters for the awesome entertainment!

It's too bad there weren't any brothers from other chapters visiting... I can't encourage you guys enough to get out there and visit other chapters, make new friends, and learn/understand how other chapters work! Who knows what fresh, new ideas you might bring back to your home chapter??

...I wish I had more money and time to attend more events around the section... hopefully that will change in a few weeks... ^^;

I felt so damned shy at the GB banquet... it's been too long since I last visited, so I felt out of touch. So sad. =/ I suppose it gave me an excuse to take more pictures... (but most of those turned out pretty crappy, so I'm pissed about that. Grr.)

Speaking of GB... HI HOUNG and everyone else who reads my blog! Where's the love? Leave me some emails or comments! ;P
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Grrr, I've been feeling really shy lately, and it's annoying the crap out of me!
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Heading down to San Diego this weekend for a wedding... if you're in the area and/or wanna chill, let me know! =D

I'm trying hard to get in touch with all the friends I've neglected for so long. Admitedly, progress is slow.. sorry if I haven't contacted you yet, but I will soon! Chatting with Aris last night after the GB banquet (until like 5am... ugh, waking up for church was painful!) made me realize how much I miss/want to talk with my friends... I just need to be literally pulled away from my work/house, otherwise I just fall into the same busy pattern.
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Guys who know how to dance are sexy.

Obviously, the same goes for women (and Lordy Lordy, were there a LOT of sexy people at the GB banquet last night! Haha.) ...But, it seems like it's a lot easier for women to dance well than it is for guys. Seriously. Women can pretty much do the same thing over and over, and still look freaking hot doing it... guys who do the same thing over and over (and almost invariably, they do the "Asian shuffle side to side" thing)... umm, not so sexy.

I tried comparing the guys who "had it" vs. the guys who... didn't quite have it. The ones who could shake what their mama gave 'em had this... subtle and fluid hip/body movement... and could really feel the music. And because they felt that connection to the music, they could easily improvise.
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Impressions after my first photo shoots with the new camera:
- I LOVE my camera! =D Too bad the photographer sucks.. (way too many shots came out bad...*sigh*) >.<
- I'm way, way too slow with adjusting settings on the fly (need lots more practice)
- It's too bad my camera doesn't have Nikon D70's "instant on" ability -- to go from standby to shooting mode in virtually no time. (will probably disable auto-off)
- One battery lasts the entire night! (I guess it makes sense, since you shoot from the optical viewfinder vs. the digital screen)
- Made too many rookie mistakes (even for me, haha) like forgetting to fill flash for my outdoor shots, changing Auto-White Balance or Aperture or... (need lots more practice)
- Canon Image Stability lenses = *drool*
- High quality, low F lenses = *DROOL* ...insanely expensive, but *DROOL* (especially ideal if you prefer flashless photography like me)
- I have depressingly shaky hands... even with the above 2 types of lenses, I still managed to ruin lots of shots because I shake too much. *sigh* (maybe consider getting a monopod?)
- I need better understanding of my histograms and when to use flash.
- I need to get familiar with processing RAW images.
- The 50/f1.8 is an AWESOME (and cheap!) lens, but can be a bit too long for indoors.
- It's a pain in the butt to switch lenses, haha. I think I'll end up sticking with the 28-135IS as my walk-around lens, and pull out the 50 for set portrait shots.
- I need a real flash... the built-in flash doesn't clear the lens barrel if I zoom out, so I get this embarrasingly noticable black shaded spot at the bottom of my pictures.
- Portrait tips. From reviewing my pictures, it's kinda neat to observe which people naturally position themselves for the most flattering pose. I wonder if I should take a more active role in suggesting positioning? Then again, like the guide says, the best pose is whatever feels most natural for the "subject."

One neat nugget that's easy to overlook is how you interact with your "subject" -- that is, to get a certain emotion/look, you wouldn't just say "cheese." Instead, you could ask something thoughtful or encourage them to look sexy/seductive (haha, I've always wanted to say that cheesy "make love to the camera!" ...and I did. =P)

Posted by stevelee at 12:20 PM | Comments (8)

May 06, 2004

Pardon the Dust

"...but today I realize most of my best entries were written when I was going through hard times or just being sad/depressed." - Carol

Too true, too true. =/ I wrote my most boring entries back when I worked full time and had a gf! Haha. Of course, I also think I'm getting more boring as I get older... =(
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I have such awesome friends. I'm so humbled and appreciative of how you all keep me in your thoughts despite my inability to keep in touch! Friendship is a 2-way street and sadly, I've been doing a lousy job with my end. =/

I came back tonight to find a voice mail from Ray, whom I have not talked with for too long a time! That made my day... thanks man! =)
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Welcome "back," GG!! Does this mean I can look forward to owning j00 in that GT3 in the near future? ;D
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[Process]
Preparing for migration to a new web server. Please bear with me.
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As for what my new "toy" is... here's a hint: =)

Need to get used to this bad boy in time for 2 upcoming banquets and a crapload of weddings! Hehe.

Posted by stevelee at 02:44 PM | Comments (7)

May 01, 2004

Grace

I went to a BBQ picnic jointly hosted by the Career and Cantonese fellowships today. I had a fun time running around, playing sports, enjoying the sun, and meeting some of the brothers and sisters from Cantonese. I'm so thankful to God for the past few weeks -- very productive fellowship sessions, and I had more opportunities to really get to know some of my brothers and sisters.

But, back to the subject of grace. Today, while we all were away eating lunch, some kids from another group knocked down our volleyball net. Caught red-handed, they tried blaming some other person... you know how boys can be. =) My natural reaction would've been to get slightly annoyed, but then smile and laugh it off, telling the kids that it was no big deal. But before I could react, the brother with me responded. And not only was he very gracious and nice about saying it was no big deal, but he went further to ask about the kids... how they were doing, if they had eaten yet, if they wanted some of our food, if they wanted to play with us... you get the idea.

A few of the kids then exclaimed to my friend/brother: "Wow, you're very nice!" as they were fully expecting to get scolded or something. They then all tried to help us pitch back up the volleyball net, and we all played wiffleball together before the kids got bored and ran off. =P

I truly admired that brother for his actions and witness... it also made me look at myself, and how much more of God's grace I need in my life.

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Doh, Sharks lost again??? Man, I'm starting to have the same sick feeling in my stomach that I get every time I watch the A's play in the postseason... =/

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If only my "not-so-secret, not-so-hidden study place" were open 24 hours! Then I'd get so much work done! Good caffeinated products, wireless internet access, and not many people have discovered this gem, so there's usually room to study/work!

I <3 <3 <3 this place!

(Carol, no telling other people! At least... not until I graduate! ;))

Arghhh.... stress!!!! After this week is over, I will celebrate with my new toy! =D

Posted by stevelee at 04:59 PM | Comments (9)