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April 27, 2004

Where in the World is Steve?!

I feel bad that so many of you come here only to either find no updates, or me crying about my family again. =/ If you're not already, I highly recommend reading these 3 blogs/journals -- no matter how busy I get, I always make time to read them (among others! I <3 everyone on my link list!)... they just rox0r and are way more entertaining than I ever could be, yo! =D

6togo
Little.Yellow.Different
Medeasin

Other than school, life's been great! Just feel so much happier and relaxed these days (other than school)... and having beautiful weather helps, too! I've been reprioritizing my life and spending more personal time reflecting and all that good stuff. First, I realize that I'll never be a Comp. Sci. wiz, and I have like 0 aptitude with hardcore database stuff. *sigh* My strength and interests lie more in software applications -- a field considered lower on the totem pole by hardcore CS people. But hey, I enjoy it, so whatever. =)

Plus, right now I feel more passionate about music and the performing arts than anything else. I've been doing more little skits and role-playing at church, and enjoy it a lot! I was even able to make myself cry on cue! =) I still love music and singing (where I can sing my heart out in private... without rupturing other people's eardrums! Hehe.), and doing plenty of chair dancing! (whoa!) ;P

I really really miss taking pictures though. So much I can actually feel it in my heart. =/ I see people taking pictures, and my hands start twitching before I catch myself. Is that sad or what? Haha. =P *sigh*

I spent plenty of time drooling over the new Nikon D70, probably the best entry-level dSLR, value wise. As much sense as it makes to get that camera, my heart's still with the Canon 10D... mostly because I like their lenses better.

Now I just need money so I can actually afford the camera and lenses!! Anyone wanna buy my car?? Hahaha... ^_^

Oh yeah... GO SHARKS AND KINGS!

Another random thought: wow, Jessica Simpson looks hot in her "Take my breath away" video!

Posted by stevelee at 10:17 PM | Comments (4)

April 17, 2004

Brokenness

What probably sucks the most about crying is how exhausted you feel afterwards.

Many of you know that I don't have the best relationship with my family. Years of watching my family crumble before my eyes led to the building of an increasingly higher wall around my heart, and a seemingly endless cycle of pain. It got to the point where I just didn't... couldn't endure being around my family -- it seemed that I couldn't speak with them for more than 5 minutes before one of us responded with some negative outburst.

Years passed, and my family reached some uneasy equilibrium. It seemed like everyone got tired of trying to confront the pain and resolve the conflicts, and reached an unspoken agreement to act as if nothing was wrong. This is a gross oversimplification, but there's no way I can describe everything in one entry... or without breaking down again.

On a personal level, I hated the person I became when around my family. I felt extra-defensive around my parents, and was quick to react to anything they said in the worst way. The joy I felt outside my home was replaced by a moody, surly son who spent most of his time locked in his own room. I loved my family, but I wasn't able to express that... which led to an estranged relationship between myself and the rest of my family.

I placed the blame on my family, unable -- or unwilling -- to see my own faults. I realize now that this attitude was the cause for my self-righteous behavior, like talking down to my brother and family... as if I was above all fault. Of course, when my brother or mother would point this behavior out to me, I quickly dismissed them.

As I spent more time trying to learn and understand God's word, I slowly began seeing my own faults. I felt a calling to change my attitude and show my family love and grace... but there was still something holding me back. It wasn't until I had an argument with my brother, and his asking me: "Do you respect mom and dad?" that I became aware of the barriers around my heart that prevented me from loving my family the way I should.

Today, I met my pastor for coffee to just get together and chat. Eventually, I brought up my parents and before I knew it, I was pouring out my heart to him -- my feelings of guilt over being a financial burden and unable to take care of them, anger and resentment over past perceived wrongs towards me -- and breaking down in tears.

It was a much needed moment of catharsis, but more important was my pastor listening and sharing God's wisdom on a real, personal level, and not some canned "Christian" response.. if that makes sense. I had always prayed for patience and guidance in dealing with my family... but I realize that would never solve the problems that existed. Merely turn a blind eye to them, much like how my family has always dealt with its problems. I need to come before God -- completely broken and humble like I did before my pastor -- and pray for healing, for release of all the idols and obstacles preventing me from showing my family the love I have in my heart for them. I believe that it takes a broken spirit to begin understanding the suffering of self and others, to realize how imperfect and in need of grace ourselves we are.

I've always been the sort of person to control my own life and the environment around me, so I know it's going to be incredibly tough to entrust my life to Him. But if tonight's fellowship was any indication -- specifically, my attitude and how people reacted to that -- of things to come, then I know this is the right step to take.

God is an awesome God. =)

Posted by stevelee at 12:45 PM | Comments (5)

April 06, 2004

Now and then

...aka, damn I've been around a long time!

Erick joked about MZ being a bunch of softies -- more interested in drinking and partying than playing sports like softball. I find it funny because it's true... the current MZ is so different from the MZ I remember when I first moved back from Davis (before Erick Kim was involved with MZ! *gasp* ;p).

Back then, we had the MZ softball/sports teams... and while there were parties and drinking, it didn't quite seem as ...central to "unofficial MZ activities" as they are now. I'm not saying the "past MZ" is better or worse than the "current MZ," just that they are different... and I do find myself thinking about and missing some of those old members. =)

One thing that definitely has not changed over the years is MZ's love for food! Hehe.

I have other things I want to say about change, sadness and family... but that'll have to wait for another time. Must get back to work. ;_;

I feel like I can relate to Ernie's entry on having to not be myself around my family. Hang in there buddy!

There's this sadness/heaviness in my heart that just won't go away. Sometimes, like today, it feels so overwhelming that I start contemplating taking drastic actions. I know I need to put aside the time to confront and deal with these issues, but I just can't spare the time right now. *sigh*

Posted by stevelee at 06:38 PM | Comments (2)

April 04, 2004

I'm back!

Wow, thanks JJ for letting me know about not being able to post comments! I was wondering why I wasn't getting any love... from like the 2 people who actually post comments! Hehe. ;p

Turns out that I made a typo in my code... the variable name I used was supposed to start with a capitalized letter!! Arghh... silly silly me... this is what I get for not testing my code. ;) *bangs head against keyboard*

What have I been up to recently? Good question... I have no idea? No wild parties or anything like that... saving all that up for MJ's (in)famous BD soiree! ;) Instead, mostly been trying to catch up with friends (did quite an awful job with that too!), sleep (yeah right), and enjoying break!

The music director at church asked me to play cello for one of the performances, so I'm excited/nervous about that! It's been at least 6 years since I last played, so I have lots of rust to shake off... ^^; I've also applied for membership at my church, so pray for me on both counts... and for His wisdom and guidance!

If anyone's interested in attending the performance, or Easter service at my church, let me know! =D

=====

Buffets... for a few years now, I haven't cared much for them, feeling that I would never get my money's worth. Plus, ever since watching Miyazaki's Spirited Away, I can't help but recall the scene of Chihiro's parents eating themselves to the point where they turn into pigs... ^^;;

Oh... yeah, I just came back from buffet dinner at Malaka (sp?) with my family. Not bad at all... can't argue with $7/person! =)

Posted by stevelee at 10:05 PM | Comments (0)