« January 2004 | Main | March 2004 »
February 29, 2004
Passion... contradiction?
I watched Passion of Christ this past friday with my fellowship group. No matter how well you know the story of Jesus' last 12 hours, you still won't be prepared for the imagery in this movie. A very powerful and emotional movie... it was hard not to break down and cry. As it was, I don't think anyone in our fellowship was able to go through the movie without their eyes getting wet.
I can sing the songs and read/hear the Word and believe everything with conviction and emotion. But seeing the movie really drove into my heart the meaning behind the words. For example, watching the image of Jesus carrying that cross to His own crucification... it makes lyrics such as Tim Hughes' "Here I am to worship" that much more powerful:
=====
After some post-movie fellowship, I stopped by a party hosted by my friend's UCSF pharm frat. I ended up leaving early partially because I was exhausted, but mostly because I just wasn't feeling it. People were dancing, drinking and having a good time... but didn't really seem that anyone was making the effort to meet and/or be friendly, ya know what I mean?
The closest I got to meeting new people was when I went upstairs to grab my jacket... there were 2 girls drunk off their asses -- they stopped me, so I just chilled with them a bit which was cool... kinda got hard to talk (unless you were also drunk ;p) since they were laughing/giggling at everything, but before I left, they started grabbing each others' boobs and asked me to help them...
...take a picture! (what were you thinking, you perverts?!) ;P
Kinda felt a little frustrated when they'd play some good music and there was no one to dance with except another friend's wife (umm, ok...) or a bunch of guys. This is precisely the reason why I can't stand the bar/club scene -- sure, I enjoy dancing and partying, but it sucks when you don't already have a date or partner to dance with. Plus, it just seems odd/creepy to walk up to a group of girls and ask if you can dance with one of them.
I don't think it's a lack of self-confidence per se... I love socializing and meeting new people, and have no problems going across the hall to ask someone to ballroom dance -- but it just seems odd to do that at a club/party. Particularly if they're already dancing in that infamous Asian fortress circle. I dunno... somehow I feel like I'm contradicting myself... blah. =)
Posted by stevelee at 02:56 PM | Comments (0)
February 23, 2004
More reflection type stuff
It's strange that, at least nowadays, my most introspective moments come when deadlines loom large and the stress nears overwhelming... haha.
Then again, given how my entries can jump from one end of the spectrum to the other, I guess I shouldn't be "surprised" by my own randomness, eh? =)
Ahhh... introspection... the "grey area." Over the past few years, I've felt like my writing style had changed... gone were the heartfelt, introspective journal entries that characterized my previous site, replaced with more superficial, stream-of-consciousness entries.
I suppose it's not necessarily a bad thing, but over the same time frame, I've noticed many changes within my attitude as well. I feel that I'm losing patience... in the sense that I now tend to view virtually everything as black and white. I had an argument with my brother about a week ago, and one thing he said really made me stop and think:
"Not everything is black and white!"
It felt like a senses-clearing slap in the face, which perhaps is what I needed. Ironic that I created a blog titled "The Gray Area" with the intent of expressing inner feelings and the understanding that life is impossible to nearly compartmentalize... and there I was, attempting to impose my own compartmentalized views upon my brother!
I realized that I had let myself become that stereotypical male listener -- listening with the intent to solve problems (e.g., "do this or don't do this", "yes or no") instead of listening with the intent to understand and empathize. I think this is due to me feeling "rushed" -- feeling like there's too many other things to do, so I have to "resolve" this conversation, and move on to the next item on my to-do list?
I can't say I'm unhappy or regret any decisions I've made... but I do think it's something I need to be aware of. Perhaps fasting from Final Fantasy will be more of a blessing than I originally imagined -- not only would I have more time for school, but also my friends!
=====
My guy friends are convinced that I have a thing for younger women. That's so not true! It's not like I intend to get into relationships with progressively younger women... it just happens! =( I appreciate women of all ages! Hehe. ;P
In all honesty, I think it's just exposure at the social events I attend (i.e., you fools need to invite me to more "young professionals" activities!)... in my daily activities, everyone else tends to be younger than me. Which is fun and all, but... I know something's missing. The ability to converse and relate based on similar mindset and experiences.
It's such a refreshing and stimulating feeling when I meet someone around my age with whom I can talk about things, well, many 21-or-so can't relate to. Plus, there's this... sense of experience and self-awareness/honesty that is attractive as well! The only problem is too many women that I meet are jaded and/or have lost that inner... SPIRIT.
Plus, doesn't help that most women around my age are getting married off, diminishing that pool! Haha. =P
Nor does it help that I'm helplessly attracted to cute-looking women (vs. beautiful... does that make sense?) So, in a nutshell... cute, intelligent, fun-loving and drama-free women for me! Hehe.
=====
This past weekend, I went to a ballroom dance social event with some friends. I had a great time and realized how much I missed dancing! Shockingly, there were more guys than girls there!!!
It was a beginning class, and I had learned most of the basic steps already, so I was able to lead and concentrate more on, well... socializing with my partners than watching my feet! Thank you mom and dad!!! Hahaha...
Ballroom dancing is a wonderful indoors social activity -- feels more friendly and a lot less shady than the bar/club scene (which I got tired of years ago =x), and you can have fun whether or not you're "single and ready to mingle!"
I had a chance to dance with this one girl there... like me, she wasn't a complete beginner, so we both were able to dance to the music while just chatting away. We clicked pretty well, and over the course of the rest of the night, we continued making eye contact and smiling at each other. =)
At the end of the evening, while my group was standing around deciding what to do next, her group of friends passed by on the way out, and she stopped to basically say good-bye to me. I returned the gesture and complimented her, adding that I hoped to see her at the next event!
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her stop at the exit to turn around and look at me again... before leaving. One of my friends asked me if I got her contact info, to which I replied "Nahh." I think I was too tired or too much in a "chill" mood to think clearly... but when it finally occured to me that I should have asked for her number/email, she had already left. =(
Story of my life. =P
=====
Went to eat lunch around UCSF today. While eating my ramen and studying, this girl sitting at the table next to me noticed my Japanese book and we ended up having an awesome conversation about all sorts of random things! Including the opportunity for me to practice my broken, beginner's Japanese! Hehe.
That's what I love about that area -- it most feels like a "college town" environment, and having lots of cute, intelligent and more mature sugar mommasmed students there doesn't hurt either! Haha.
=====
OK, now that I've procrastinated long enough and screwed myself even more, maybe I should try working on my projects, eh?
Posted by stevelee at 02:53 PM | Comments (5)
February 22, 2004
Passion of Christ
I'm sure most of you have heard about this new movie by Mel Gibson. Personally, I think it's awesome, and Christians couldn't have prayed for better timing!
Religion seems to be increasingly obfuscated and silenced from the public. Interestingly, being "in the closet" now seems more appropriate in describing religion than it does sexual orientation. I mean, for those of you who know Christians -- or are one -- when is the last time you heard (or gave) a clear proclamation of faith (e.g., saying "I went to a Christian retreat/fellowship" as opposed to, say, "I went out with some friends?") in a secular setting? I know I still have to catch and correct myself...
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not denouncing any lifestyle or belief (yes, I still love you Ernie! ;P), nor am I claiming moral superiority. Far from it. Anyone who knows me knows that behind the nice, mild-mannered exterior (hey, why are you guys laughing?!?!) is a freak nice, mild-mannered interior!!! Hahaha... isn't that right, Mare? =P
The movie's release date coincides with Lent, and with all the surrounding publicity, suddenly religion, God, and all these other things are being positively and openly expressed in the media.
Personally, it really seems that God's used this opportunity to wake me up as well. Over the past few weeks, I haven't made as much of a commitment to serving God as I could and should have. Not going to church, fellowship, or putting in my quiet time. I could give you a laundry list of lame excuses, but really, it boiled down to me putting other idols (namely, Final Fantasy) ahead of Him. Ironically, one of the things that I consistently pray for is God's wisdom and guidance -- and it wasn't until today that I realized how I've been ignoring His guidance. =(
This morning, I once again was tempted to sleep in (having stayed up too late the previous night programming and playing Final Fantasy)... but finally overcame that temptation, and wow... I really felt God calling me back. From the genuine concern of the people there for me, the message which seemed to speak directly to me and my conflicts... it was a good thing. =)
Starting on Lent (Feb. 25), for the next 40 days, Pastor Wayne challenged us all to commit to fasting from 1 thing and to spend that time praying for spiritual renewal. In my heart, it's so clear to me what God's calling me to fast from... but, well... my flesh and will are so weak. =( Please pray for me!
Posted by stevelee at 09:16 PM | Comments (1)
February 19, 2004
Pictures are worth 1000 words...
...which is good, because I have nothing to say! Haha. Finally caught up with all my pictures, and displaying them here for your viewing pleasure! If you attended John and Tammie's wedding and would like access to private pictures, please contact me. =)
Posted by stevelee at 01:03 PM | Comments (6)
February 17, 2004
Back to Basics?
Lately, I've been feeling a sense of... longing. It feels similar to lonliness, but not quite. I would say I just want to get away from everything, but that's not quite true either. I noticed that I've been eager to stop and chat with people -- like high school friends I hadn't seen in years over the weekend, and new APhiO pledges. So in that sense, I guess I miss "meaningful" face-to-face interaction.
If anything, I most feel like going to some nice, quiet scenic area where I can bask underneath the clear, night sky... and just take lots of pictures (with my imaginary dSLR) and sleep! So nice and simple, yeah? =)
I wish I had more time -- more time to sleep, more time to spend with people... hehe. I'm not whining mind you; I make my own choices in how I spend my time, so if I decide to waste it being unproductive, I only have myself to blame.
Haha, sounds like I'm talking to myself, eh? =P
=====
While talking to some of my high school friends over the weekend, I was surprised to find out how concerned they were about their age and single life. And I'm not talking about deadbeat losers (none of my friends are =)): good-looking guy, athletic, finishing med school... in other words, way more successful than I'll ever be! =) Which made me wonder... is he being paranoid, or am I not taking my old age (thankfully, I'm not ancient like my cousin's fiance, Craig! haha ;)) seriously enough?
I mean... every so often, I stop and wonder if/when I'll get married soon too, but the moment almost as quickly passes. I guess I'm still too busy/concerned about other things (like... FINDING A JOB... and final fantasy, haha)... and MAYBE, like so many of my friends tell me: I'm too damn picky for my own good. Haha.
It's OK... things will happen when God means for them to happen. =)
Speaking of getting married, another one of my cousins just got engaged over the weekend (no, not on Valentine's Day)! That's such awesome news; I'm so happy for both of them!! =)
That makes at least 3 weddings coming up within a year; I really hope I have a new camera by then! Hehe.
...Overall, been feeling tired, but positive. Hard to feel down when there's so many good things happening around me, and to the people I love/care about!
=====
It feels good to make someone's day. When I attend APhiO events, if I see people (especially if they're new) kinda off to the side and/or by themselves, I tend to approach and spend time talking to that person(s). Having been (and still sometimes am!) that person on the outside/fringes, I know sometimes all it takes is a friendly face to come up to you and strike up conversation to make a day. And prevent them from slipping through the cracks. =)
In talking with one of the new pledges tonight, she remarked: "Wow, you're the first person who actually seems to care enough to ask me [about so-and-so]! Everyone else just kinda asked my year and major, then walked off..."
That's why I enjoy interviews and/or one-on-one conversations so much (and dislike group conversations) -- just feels so much more meaningful, and you really get the opportunity to learn more about each other.
Posted by stevelee at 01:18 AM | Comments (1)
February 12, 2004
Ganbatte!
I notice that when people ask or say something to me, my first instinct is to say: "Hai!" A little too much Japanese, eh? Hehe. ;)
Not too much else to say about school... trying to stay on top of work, but failing... mostly because of Final Fantasy. =( I've reduced my playtime dramatically, but in the back of my mind, I know that I have to pretty much stop playing if I seriously want to get my act together. Blah!
Especially since I need to focus and prepare for a JOB INTERVIEW next week! Woohoo!!! I'm really excited... and just as nervous! It's going to be a 3-4 hour interview (OMG...ugh) for a software engineer position... been spending the past few days devouring my old data structures and O/S materials... But I still can't imagine what could possibly take place over 3-4 hours?! Imagining the possibilities gives me a sickening feeling in my stomach. =(
Ahh well, nothing I can do except just study a lot more and practice so I don't feel as nervous? =)
I just wanted to take the time to thank my buddy HK Alan Wong (and Winnie and Andrew... if you guys ever read this)!! Thanks man for hooking me up with the opportunity man... I hope I don't screw it up, lol!
To my college-aged (and younger) readers: in case you haven't already learned, it's all about who you know, not what you know. Seriously. =( So, get out there and network, network, network!!!
(Just try not to be as lame as me when it comes to keeping in touch with people, haha. =x)
Posted by stevelee at 03:19 PM | Comments (4)
February 08, 2004
Chinese New Year Parade
I went to meet JJ to check out the Chinatown street fair and parade, and in typical klutzy fashion, dropped my camera! I'm really bummed about damaging my camera. =( *sigh* The camera still turns on, but except for the shutter none of the other buttons respond anymore... not even zoom! Arghh... I took a ton of pictures from the event, but needless to say, I'm very disappointed with most of them. =(
It was weird not volunteering to help out with the parade for the first time in like a decade? Sadly, I didn't see (or recognize, I should say) any APO volunteers... =(
On a happier note, I did recognize and cheer on 2 of my friends in the parade: Ollie with the Doc Fai-Wong Kung Fu Academy, and Bev with the Miss Chinatown pageant! =)
Afterwards, stopped by Serra Bowl for a MZ/GB bowling night event... didn't get to bowl, but just hung out for a bit... met some of the new actives and potential pledges. =)
Ahh well... and in other news, looks like my connections at Sun won't be able to bring me back on board... so if anyone can hook me up with a job or even a contact person, I'll love you long time! =D At this point, pretty much any kind of job sounds good to me... whatever pays the bills! Hehe.
Posted by stevelee at 12:51 PM | Comments (1)
February 01, 2004
Snow Angels!
First, let me just ask/say: "Dude, what's up with JT getting all naughty-naughty with women onstage?! First Kylie Minogue, now Janet?! Down, boy!"
It's been a while, but finally have some eye candy for you guys from the 2004 Miss Chinatown USA Pageant; enjoy! =D
To sum it up in a sentence: thank you dear God! *wipes happy tear from eye* Haha. Asian women these days sure look much... healthier. ;D
The most painful moments came during the question and answer session, where the contestants were asked some really painfully stupid questions... but it was interesting to observe how the contestants apparently prepared for this part: they all seemed to take one "heart-stirring and meaningful" theme (e.g., world peace, immigration/family struggles, cure for world cancer/hunger/insert-epidemic-here) that they memorized... and no matter what the question was, found some way to bridge from the question they were asked to their memorized spiel!!
"If you had to replace the cheung saam with another outfit, what would it be?"
"Well Simon, as you know, the cheung saam is a very beautiful and flattering outfit. Nothing could ever replace it, but if I had to replace it, I would replace it with an evening gown... And speaking of evening gowns, I remember when my parents came over from China... they were poor and had nothing, but worked very hard to raise us... I'm so proud of my family, because they mean everything to me!"
Ugh... *wince* Some were much more articulate than others... but man, how about some real questions next time, yeah?!
In any case, great job Bev! You did great (you were robbed!) and looked beautiful as always, and you know I'll always be yelling and screaming for ya! =)
=====
Immediately after the pageant (11:30ish), I drove up to Tahoe in a personal best time of 3 hours! =D Ha, I laugh in the face of danger (and snow)! Unfortunately, I was too tired to wake up for boarding the next day... but had fun hanging out with my friends! Hehe.
=====
THANK YOU, ERICK KIM!!! *wipes another happy tear from eye*
=====
Got these links to maps of "Where in the World has Steve Lee been?" (aka, how unworldly is this sucka?) from gg (who wishes she could beat me in DDR!):
create your own visited country map
create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide
Posted by stevelee at 11:22 PM | Comments (4)