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April 30, 2003
Yada yada
I was watching MTV's Top 25 Greatest Video Stars today... how does Enimem get picked over Janet Jackson for the #2 spot?? Then again, I guess I'm biased since 2 of her songs are in my Top 5 favorite songs of all time. That, and she's still so hot! Hehe. =)
Madonna was a great choice at #1 though, given MTV's listed criteria.
I haven't been online/available as much recently; just feel like it's crunch time, and gotta get my act together if I want to keep my 4.0 streak alive. Damn algorithms class! *shakes fist in your general direction*
It's kinda neat, but I notice that an increasing number of my friends are also getting into amateur (digital) photography! Personally, I probably have Eric most to blame thank for my own budding enthusiasm. Hey, I've already copied him in terms of having similar interests in cars, cello, and what not, so maybe this was the next logical step? ;)
I already know that my next digital camera will be a dSLR, something like the Canon EOS 10D! *drool*
Anyone care to sponsor or donate towards my dSLR fund? ;)
...And why is it that the first song that comes to mind for anyone that's seen Rent is almost inevitably Seasons of Love?
Posted by stevelee at 02:18 AM | Comments (7)
April 28, 2003
Ethan's Red Egg and Ginger Party
As promised in my last entry, here are pictures from the baby party. =)
I notice that increasingly, when I see little babies/kids, I feel this twinge of longing for my own munchkins! *sigh* =p
Posted by stevelee at 11:35 AM | Comments (6)
Love and Confidence
Every Sunday service so far, I've listened to meaningful messages and (re?) discovered something about/within myself.
Today's message focused on love, and one of the key points I took out was how we react when we're "getting squeezed" -- that is, when things aren't going the way we planned or would like them to be. Among other things, I'm learning to be more relaxed when I feel squeezed. =)
Another interesting lesson came in just observing today's speaker. This guy was in his early 30s, good-looking, but what stood out most about him was how ... he radiated this humble yet confident demeanor, especially the way he laughed about himself. He wasn't loud or cocky but still seemed so sure of, and comfortable with, himself.
That really made me realize that confidence isn't based on "acting" a certain way -- that it's more important to fully accept who I am, and who I'm not. I think pride and ego prevented/prevents me from accepting my limitations, sometimes causing me to try too hard; making me more uptight and serious than I should be.
In a previous entry, I wished that I could go back to being the old me, but Milly thought that I'd evolved into a more developed, mature(?!?!) Steve Lee. After today, I'm starting to believe her. I'm not a super outgoing, smooth-talking, born entertainer -- in fact, I'm a dork! -- but as today's speaker proved, that's perfectly fine. =)
===========
After church, I went over to a red egg and ginger party for Dennis and Miya's 3 month old son, Ethan (can you say, born hockey player?). Such a tiny cutie with a ton of hair! I told Miya that he needed to share some of that hair with "Uncle" Steve! Haha... see, that's something I'd be uncomfortable joking about even a week ago... so I'm encouraged. =)
Saw a bunch of old school Davis/APhiO people, some of whom I hadn't seen since graduating from there... was very cool chatting with everyone! I'll post the pictures later...
Finally... I REALLY REALLY need to learn how to take full advantage of opportunities presented to me... instead of letting them slip away because of my own inactions... *sigh* =/
Posted by stevelee at 01:52 AM | Comments (1)
April 26, 2003
For Men Only...?
An engagement ring guide! ...What'd you think I was going to post about, EH?? ;)
So what kinda styles do you ladies prefer? Solitaire or sidestone settings? Is carat size the be-all-end-all factor (be honest =p), or do you (also) really care about things like cut, color, clarity, polish, and symmetry (e.g., a 2 carat ring of average quality, or a 1 carat ring of ideal quality)?
...Spent the entire day studying at Starbucks... wow, it's amazing how much work I get done when I'm not distracted by AIM or TV! Methinks I should do this more often... =)
Posted by stevelee at 10:39 PM | Comments (4)
April 23, 2003
Meatloaf Madness!
You know... I may not be the smartest or most organized guy out there, but dammit, when the pressure's on and things need to get done, I'm as intense and focused as they come! I get sh*t done, period.
Damn, I'm so badass I impress even myself sometimes! ;) *pats self on back*
As you probably guessed, I managed to finish my project -- pure pride and determination drove me on (and encouragement from friends like Dub). And how did I celebrate? Why, by cooking dinner of course!
I took Mare's yummy stuffed meatloaf recipe, and modified it a little bit: took out the broccoli florets (no stinking greens, thankyouverymuch), added more cheese and mushrooms, herbs and butter, heavy cream, sausage, and a bunch of other goodies. Hardly any of which are suitable to those on diets. ;p
I also made a 4 cheese macaroni bake with plenty of red hot chili sauce and cayenne pepper. Yum yum yum!
Mare: Me a pansy? I think not! Hehe. ;p
...Now, excuse me while I indulge on some Lychee gelato!
P.S. Let it be known that my lil sis Gina Chen is awesome, and one of the smartest and coolest fobs people I know! ...And I'm not just saying this because I haven't responded to her emails in a long while, and want free medical services when she finishes her residency! =D Hehe, love ya lil bro!
Posted by stevelee at 11:21 AM | Comments (16)
April 21, 2003
Dumbass, defined:
n. "dum-ass"
1. A species of human with low intelligence.
Steve is a dumbass.
2. A person who manages to delete the entire project that he had been busting his ass on the past two weeks, and can't recover it. And of course, said project is due in less than 9 hours.
Steve is a dumbass.
3. A person who knows that he should set up and use CVS repositories (basically, it saves your work) when working on significant programming projects, yet doesn't.
Steve is a dumbass.
- also see screwed:
Steve is screwed.
Pardon me while I sob uncontrollably to myself in the corner. (Actually, I'm cracking up right now... you know that feeling when you're so helplessly f*cked that it becomes hilarious? Yeah.)
Posted by stevelee at 11:46 PM | Comments (0)
Steve, STFU!!!
Man... OK, no more depressing entries like that. Like I wrote at the end of my previous entry, just gotta focus on the positives and live up life... like cspell at her bachelorette party! Damn!! =p (Just need someone to make all the nasty projects and work to disappear...blah)
...As some of you know, I've started attending Sunday church services again (it's been years since I last attended)... and I'm not sure if it's that, or a combination of other factors... but I really am starting to feel more at peace with myself. If you've endured my previous entries, you can tell that I'm going through some emotional changes... (kinda like PMS, eh?)
When I woke up this past Sunday morning, I was suddenly inspired to do my quiet time... the weirdest (and best?) part was how natural it all felt: like a comfortable conversation with an old friend...
What else is on my mind? The whole being called "Steve Lee" vs. Steve affair... basically, the history is this: during my UCD days, there were a bunch of Steve's in my fraternity, but there was only one Steve Lee. =p I was loud, a little flirtatious (yeah yeah, I'll admit it now), self-assured (let's just say that I was the regular recipient of the "Get Over Yourself Award" and spirit/Rah Rah award... haha, I bet most of you can't imagine me like that, eh?), could hang with just about everyone in the drinking/partying department, and had like no fear. And dammit, I was cute! *grin*
(Interestingly enough, I also attended Church and fellowship regularly during this time too...)
Somehow over the years since graduating, I've lost that "spark of life" and become old, self-conscious and boring... but certain people (like Milly *hug*) somehow manage to remind me of that past to bring out the best (worst?) in me. So I guess I see "Steve Lee" as the old persona that I want to recapture... maybe not in full (God forbid... too old now and I don't think my body can handle that kinda abuse anymore, hahaha), but with that same confidence, matured a bit. =)
I think I've finally pinpointed the root causes... so now gotta work on overcoming them. ...Either that, or just be constantly wired or buzzed somehow!
P.S. I notice a ton of hits from a Stanford.edu host: I'd love to find out who you are, and how you found my site! I don't bite... unless asked to. ;)
Posted by stevelee at 01:07 PM | Comments (3)
April 19, 2003
Murmurs of the Heart
I smile on the outside, but I remain a coward inside. My close friends have told me countless times to be myself, but I'm afraid -- afraid of letting go, afraid of embarrassing myself, afraid of failure and rejection. I want to let go and release my inner passion for life, but my cowardice cripples me to the point of paralysis.
Around the friends who know me best, this is almost the complete opposite of "me" -- the guy with the confident smile or mischievous grin, easy laugh, and with no fear of doing anything. Or pouring my heart out...
My lil sis Denise says I wear my heart on my sleeve... and I wish I could express that to everyone! Instead of the nice, quiet guy who sits at the back of the room who's quickly forgotten.
But I'm afraid.
These past few days, my heart's experienced emotions that I haven't felt in years... I want to surrender and embrace these emotions, to let the strength of these feelings grant me the courage to be myself, but ...I'm afraid to hope, afraid to lose control...
My heart feels like a flooded dam about to burst, and I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings.
Like today, my family and I went to lunch. I love my mom dearly, but we (I?) just haven't been able to talk without one or both of us getting upset these past years. Every time I talk with her, I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles.
But somehow my mom and I started walking off on our own... and talking. I braced myself for rejection, but... I dared to look her in the eyes, opened up my heart... and saw this genuine warmth as she responded back to me. ...It felt like old times, especially the way she looked and touched me, but... it was just too much for my heart to handle right then and there, so I had to pull back.
Why must I be so afraid?
At the same time, I notice a gradual personal progression this past year. I feel like I am slowly thawing the ice around my heart, the fears and self-doubts that have paralyzed me these past few years fading. I made the analogy about a dam about to burst, and I think that's true -- despite myself, I'm starting to show more flashes of myself in front of "strangers."
Right now, I think I need that special person who, with her own "alive-ness" and zest for life, can challenge me and rekindle the spark that's been missing for so long from my own life.
Will you calm the murmurs of my heart?
On a happier note...
John, Tammy, Kristy and I went down to Dave and Busters friday for what turned out to be a really fun night! We ate, had a few drinks, and sang some karaoke! Yep, I went up and sang God Must Have Spent a Little More Time On You, which I'm sure I butchered, but it's all good! =)
The highlights of karaoke had to be John serenading Tammy with I Swear, and Kristy's awesome (and sexy! Wow! hehe) rendition of Genie In A Bottle, complete with dance routine! Afterwards, not getting enough karaoke action, John and I started singing a whole bunch of random songs while walking through the Great Mall... hahaha, cool stuff.
Too bad the night had to end so early... but hey, I think everyone had a good time, shared some laughs and silliness, great conversations, and that's all that matters, right? =)
Posted by stevelee at 10:49 PM | Comments (2)
Mandy's BD
Got back from my cousin Mandy's BD. I wish I could go hang out with my cousins, but I'm feeling sick (yes, AGAIN!!!) -- I can't eat anything without feeling nausea. Sucks. =(
I need to finish some programs, but my brain hurts... =x
No, it's not a tumor! =)
Posted by stevelee at 10:19 PM | Comments (5)
La Taqueria
So after hearing/reading so many raves about the tacos and burritos at La Taqueria, I finally drove down to the Mission on Wednesday to check it out.
We tried the carne asada burrito, carnitas burrito, chorizo taco, and pollo taco, with all the options: cheese, guacamole (mashed avocados, really), and sour cream. The food here is no frills, classical Mexican: no Californian-ized rice, lettuce, or any of that nonsense. In fact, for 80 cents more, you can get the no beans option -- pure meat, baby!
The first thing you notice when biting into your food is the freshness of the ingredients. The meat isn't overly salted like at so many other Mexican restaurants, so you can taste the distinct flavors.
Unfortunately, after hearing so much about the burritos, I was almost disappointed by them. They're good, but not really good enough to make me drive across San Francisco for them, and tolerate the horrible parking. Especially when you factor in the prices. A base burrito (beans and meat) costs $4.50 -- with all the options, mine came out to about $6 (no chips or salsa).
However, their tacos are excellent! Like the burrito, the base taco consists of fresh meat and beans, but comes in a double tortilla: a soft and crunchier taco shell. Which adds an appealing texture to the taco, making it even more addicting!
Posted by stevelee at 02:34 PM | Comments (3)
April 16, 2003
Happy Days
I wanted to write something deep and meaningful, I really did. But for whatever reasons, I just haven't been able to write an entry that really expressed myself the way I wanted to. Instead, I end up sounding whiny. Maybe I just need to sit down and take the time to sort my thoughts out, instead of taking the path of instant gratification.
It amazes me how "the right words, gesture, timing, act or moment" (thanks, ae... you say it best!) can suddenly transform a person, including yourself.
The secret? Hope. Hope has this magical quality: it heals us, it gives us the stamina to continue on, it validates us, it helps put life in perspective -- that things aren't nearly as bad as we make them out to be, and that they will get better.
One thing I didn't mention in my suicide entry was how 2 dearest high school friends saved me ...well, from myself. They helped me to see the Steve Lee that they saw -- not the horrible, worthless ogre that I saw -- they believed in me, and they gave me hope.
Their actions made me resolve to be the same ray of light, the same hope, for those around me. I've failed at times, I've lost hope numerous times, and in my most bitter moments, I selfishly questioned why bother...
Ultimately, I realize that friendship, like so many other things in life, is not about being recognized or appreciated, it's about sharing your love and hope with others; to support them in their time of need. No questions asked or thanks expected.
This past week reminded me of this truth. And helped renew hope, both for myself and others.
Pass it on.
Balance.
I think I've also recovered some semblance of that in my life, which also helps! It's also amazing how much better I feel with a few extra hours of sleep!
===========
Wow, it's sure an exciting time to be a sports fan! The Stanley Cup playoffs, NBA playoffs, baseball... and (fantasy) football season's around the corner! Aww yeah!
Plus, I finally have Cartoon Network and ESPN2!!! Oh damn, between these channels, Food Network, MTV and ESPN, and the internet who needs to leave the house ever again?? Haha, j/k! ;p
2 more days until Friday...*taps foot impatiently* =D
Posted by stevelee at 08:54 PM | Comments (9)
April 14, 2003
Sectionals in SLO
UPDATE: Thanks for the comments; keep the feedback coming in (or at least say HI, sheesh ;)) If you want the full size picture for any of the images, just let me know!
Without further ado, here are my pictures from this past saturday's conference; enjoy! =)
At risk of sounding trite and repetitive (but really, what else can you say? =)), I had a fun time at the conference: it was great seeing Ray and other familiar faces from SoCal, the familiar faces from NorCal, as well as the opportunity to meet many more friendly people!
I stopped by the Open Forum, where I could provide a little feedback regarding service, and some of the great work coming out of Section 4 (it's my job as Section Service Chair to brag about "my" Service VPs, hehe). It was encouraging to see so much spirit and support from Section 4; the vision of a smaller, more unified Region X seems like a reality with each passing conference. Go interchapter love!
I'm still surprised by what was included with our relatively inexpensive registration fees: continental breakfast, nice folders, tri-tip sandwiches (easily the best conference lunch, ever), t-shirt, souvenirs, and a buffet dinner! Kudos to them for some amazing fundraising/budgeting!
Congrats Ray for receiving the very well-deserved Sectional DSK, and Jack as the new Section 1 Chair!
Thanks to Justin, Anna, Jenn and Christina for the company down south, and not getting freaked out when I stretched my baby's legs -- it's been too long since I last had the chance to drive fast on some nice open, curvy stretches of road. I had to remind myself why I bought that car in the first place. ;p
Thanks also to Ray for the... tour of SLO, Oakley and the ladies of Alpha Kappa for the company (BTW, Hi my new USC and SJSU readers! =)). To everyone: let me know if you're ever in the Bay Area, so we can hang out again (unlike Jeanne *cough*)!
So, leave me comments saying hi or suggested captions for the pictures already! =)
5 more days until Friday, woohoo!
Posted by stevelee at 05:22 AM | Comments (10)
April 11, 2003
Better Luck Tomorrow (aftermath)
Just got back from watching the first screening at AMC 1000. The actors put in some good intense performances and reveal a side of Asian American culture/thinking that may not be so obvious to mainstream America. The movie's also refreshingly non-formulaic and pretty intense most of the way -- not "best movie ever" material but all things considered, I enjoyed watching and still recommend the movie.
I was pretty surprised/disappointed at how the theater was barely half full... I wonder if Wahine was in there watching the same screening? =)
UPDATE: Props to Wahine (as usual ;)) for finding this excellent review on Better Luck Tomorrow.
Posted by stevelee at 06:38 PM | Comments (9)
Wedding accessories (not mine =x)
Help cspell out, and vote on what you think is the perfect hair accessory on her wedding day. =)
Posted by stevelee at 12:00 PM | Comments (2)
Beat LA!
Thanks to Erick's planning, a whole bunch of us went to watch the Giants beat the bums! Great game, great company, great night. =)
Word of advice: stay away from the Chicago-style dogs with everything! Ughh...
Posted by stevelee at 03:26 AM | Comments (13)
April 09, 2003
Hong Kong Film Awards
My timing's a little off (heh, story of my life ;)), but if you follow Asian movies at all, check out Wahine's summary of the HKFA film awards... good stuff! =)
"i was shocked to hear the actress who won best new actor was the one who played the corpsey wife of leon lai in the movie THREE. i can wear scary body makeup and not move for hours, give me an award!"
Hahaha, corning hilarious comment! But so true! Seriously, wtf were they thinking??
"steve and peter will be happy to see that their fave movie my sassy girl won best asian film."
Muahaha... great to hear that other people have great taste too! Word, yo! ;p
...Oh crap! I just realized that it's the middle of April, and that the semester's over in a few weeks! How'd that happen??
Posted by stevelee at 05:03 PM | Comments (0)
Punk'd
I have this lecturer for one of my comp sci classes -- problem is, he's a clueless moron. At first, I thought he was just a nice dork who got extremely nervous in front of class (he's working on his PhD from a pretty reputable school), but I realize now that he's just a... well, clueless moron!
He has this annoying hyena-like laugh, and laughs at the most random/stupid things: like his own comments! He has no clue what he's talking about, we're learning nothing, and he's so damned disorganized! Students are answering questions for the professor, not even waiting for him to make his stupid, inane comments. Most of the time he's wrong, or has no idea what he's talking about anyway!
He basically has 0 respect from his students... people make (not so subtle) comments in front of his face, and he doesn't seem to realize that most of the students are laughing AT him!
I mean, geeze, you know it's bad when even the foreign exchange students are capping on you in front of class!!!
Sometimes I feel sorry for him -- some people go a little too far with their blatant disrespect -- but all he has to do is open his mouth, and even that pity quickly vanishes. =/
Changing gears: ask any engineerd, and they'll all agree that women (especially cute ones) in the field are far and few between. There are always exceptions, though. =) Whatever the case, it's always amusing to see all the guys tripping over each other to help these geeky goddesses by sharing homework, old tests, or entire programs!
All it takes is one (admittedly, radiant) smile and honey-laced words, and these ladies have a flock of guys literally eating out of their hands! Guys are so stupid... hehe.
Did you guys watch American Idol last night? Wow, I thought Trenyce and Ruben were awesome; mucho respect to Trenyce -- that was a hard song! ...Now where's my Celine Dion CD? Hehe.
Posted by stevelee at 02:07 PM | Comments (0)
April 08, 2003
Better Luck Tomorrow
In case you haven't already heard about it, go support and watch this Asian American film venture:
If you're in San Francisco, opens this Friday at AMC 1000... have no idea what the schedule is, though... hopefully I can beat the crowds! Anyone want to watch with me? =)
UPDATE: Showtimes at AMC 1000 Van Ness: 2:20pm and 5:20pm... the 8pm and 10pm showings are sold out already!
Posted by stevelee at 12:19 PM | Comments (5)
Heart, Body and Soul
It's been a while since I've posted anything of substance, eh? I'm not sure where I'm going with this entry, so please bear with me.
I'm starting to feel uncertain about myself again, and I can't explain why. I feel frustrated, yet I don't know why. My heart aches, yet for what, I'm at a loss to explain. I feel the need for validation of my life and existence, but by whom and for what, I don't know.
As I sit here fumbling for the words to express my tired, chaotic soul, thoughts quickly flit by before I have a chance to capture them. Is this what it means to be old?
I feel so caught up in my routine that life rushes by, with me as a numbed spectator. I read angst filled journal entries, hear about the latest drama, go to some event, but with certain exceptions, it mostly flows through and past me. I've already seen and experienced this in the past, many times over.
I feel tired and jaded, and I can't stand that. I do genuinely care -- if you're talking to me, please understand that. I never fake anything (heh).
I need to work harder at relaxing and not taking life so seriously. It's hard though. I feel that there's so much work to do, and goals to accomplish. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I've started becoming more tunnel-visioned in my focus -- going from one duty to the next, without the time to really think about what I'm doing nor look at the "big picture." I'm living in the present... but not in the way that it should be. Does that make sense?
Simultaneously, because of this drone-like lifestyle, I just feel myself becoming... dumber? I've become more absent-minded, and generally less mentally sharp. I can only hope this is a consequence of my constant weary state of mind.
I don't think I'm going through any type of midlife crisis, yet all I feel like doing these days is sleep, listen to music, and dance!
Do you know what recurring image/scene runs through my head? Someone (me?) running and jumping around, head back, arms outstretched in bright, sunny weather. With a big, overjoyed smile.
Anyone care to psychoanalyze that for me? Perhaps I just need to set aside quality personal time -- away from lights, technology and work -- to just think/reflect under the night ocean sky, and re-focus. Like I used to.
But for the meantime, anyone have a hug for me? I feel weak, and not too proud to admit it... =)
Posted by stevelee at 03:25 AM | Comments (6)
April 07, 2003
What a weekend!
So. The PLAN after my painfully horrid week was to get plenty of rest and study up for my remaining exams.
Instead? Heh, well it's 11:30PM on Sunday and I have yet to study for anything. Doh!
Saturday started with delicious food at Ajanta Restaurant with awesome company! Too tired to give a full review, but let's just say the mint-cilantro dipping sauce alone makes the restaurant worth going to! =)
That evening, I went out with some friends to my first Hot Import Nights (or car show, period). It was an... interesting experience. =) Hung out there for a while, then stopped by Thea and Jorge's BD bash before finally crashing for the night.
Sunday: after church and some digital editing, Justin and I attended Gamma Beta's meeting. Sorry I couldn't make it to the Iota Phi revealing, but I already promised to head down to SJ.. =(
Things I gained and/or learned this past weekend: more self-confidence, and I should stick to happy, cheesy smiles when taking pictures. I just look too weird trying to look hard!
If you were present for the Saturday night festivities, contact me for the info/password. =D
Posted by stevelee at 12:23 AM | Comments (1)
April 03, 2003
Farewell Leslie
I had to wait until official confirmation, but sadly, it's true... Leslie Cheung commited suicide.
This news article provides better insight into Leslie's depression and final day's timeline.
Posted by stevelee at 10:38 PM | Comments (0)
War
Still alive... barely. =) As usual, I've been swamped with work and literally getting no sleep. Coffee -- ahh, how I love thee... let me count the ways! -- has been my best friend these past few days!
Unfortunately, I think I caught the flu: I feel dizzy, nausea, chills, and my body aches... but, life goes on, right? =) Trying to finish as much as work in advance so I can visit all the chapters participating in Spring Service Day and support them.
Finally... I've avoided commenting on the war thus far, but I just have one thing to say: I find it hypocritical and amusing that France and Germany, two countries that staunchly opposed US/UK action in Iraq, now are postering and proclaiming that the UN must play the major role in determining reconstruction plans for the area.
Pardon my French (heh), but that's complete bullshit. You sit back, offer no assistance, yet when the battle (seems) won, you have the audacity to try reaping the rewards off another's blood??
What the f*ck ever!
In the same CNN coverage, Colin Powell subsequently stated that the UN will play some part, while the coalition forces will play the major roles and reap the rewards. I wouldn't be surprised to see France and Germany attempting to move equipment into the region very soon to secure "their share" of the Iraqi "pie."
From this point on, it becomes interesting to see how responsibility for the cost of rebuilding is handled, and by whom.
Correction: Germany has allowed coalition forces to use its bases and airspace during the war.
Wow... who are all you people and what are you downloading? I go from a bandwidth usage of 700mb the previous month to almost 300mb, and 7k hits in 2 days?? Haha, at least say hi, and/or leave me comments and feedback! =D
Finally, new links: Kaila Yu's xanga pages and "hot asian men"! You can thank Wahine for them. =)
Posted by stevelee at 11:20 AM | Comments (0)